Then I see you, you're walking 'cross the campus, cruel professor, studying romances.  How am I supposed to pretend I never want to see you again? - Vampire Weekend

I think I've lost me....  Currently.... I feel so tired that I'm not tired.  But I'm not awake either.  Also this entire post will probably sound like I'm on something.  Lack of sleep is worse for you than any drug could ever be. Fact.  But back to where I started... I don't think I have a brain right now.  I'm pretty sure that where my brain should be is just air, and my skull is just a hollow shell for what should be holding me but now isn't.  My skull feels like an empty bowl for the random thoughts that keep drifting through...  Manda said something about what if we are all one thought in different bodies... Maybe there's a way to tap into that thought... maybe the key is losing yourself.

Maybe by not having me inside of me right now I'm actually closer to the universe than I ever will be.  Maybe actual me is off somewhere in the universe right now.  Actual me is probably by the ocean under the stars.  Or AMONGST the stars.  While physical me is sitting here on a loft bed in connecticut wondering why the hell I'm still awake when I'm this tired.  Also I sound like I'm developing some sort of dissociative identity disorder right now... talking about actual me and physical me... weird.

This feeling is vaguely similar to how I feel when swimming in frigid ocean water... because if I let my body go numb and the waves are crashing all around me then my thoughts are free to wander the entire everything if they please... my body is the ocean and my thoughts are as vast as the sky

L.G. Fuad

Here comes the stress.... So far I've managed to fail my calculus gateway exam THREE TIMES. The first time for a dumb reason, the second and third times because I got the gateway from HELL. So that's cool.  Unlimited tries until I pass or April 8th. Whichever comes first.  Failure results in my grade dropping an entire letter. That's cool in a class I struggle with.

Homework for this week:
-Pass Gateway Exam
-Online Calc Homework (probably around 30 questions)
-Online Calc Quiz
-In class Calc Quiz

-Genetics Insight Paper

-Chem Online homework
-Chem bookwork
-Chem prelab

And I'm going home this weekend to see Em's play <3

But then I come back to three exams.  Can someone please explain to me why my psych professor thought it was such a good idea to move my psych exam to Thursday, the same day I have classes from 8am to 6pm, and then a 6pm to 8pm calc exam?

Its weird how during the weekend things can seem great, then the actual work week comes and you realize how doomish those clouds looming in the distance are...

I'm just going to go blow up over in this corner...

Let's get fucked up and die.  I'm speaking figuratively, of course, like the last time that I committed suicide, social suicide.  Yea so I'm already dead, on the inside but I can still pretend. - Motion City Soundtrack

EDIT: Oh also the Cell Biology lecture that's a prerequisite to anything and everything molecular biology related is full. And its only offered in the fall.  And I need it in order to take the cell biology lab.  Only offered in the spring.  Also I apparently need another chemistry class... organic chemistry.  I'm going to stab the next thing that pisses me off.


EDIT EDIT (4/5/11): Cell bio isnt a prereq for anything, so forget that stress out...  My schedule is all settled and I have tons of nice bio dorky classes AND NO MATH and I'm super excited <3  On a more negative note, AFTER I spent forever studying and taking practice gateway exams and finally passed with an 8/8, thanks to some help from Nikhil and James <3, the calc professors decided that the gateway was too hard and a 5/8 is passing. Which I got. On the first try.  4 tries later and hours wasted, when I technically passed the first time.  That's real cool of you calc department.  Real cool.

Higher and Higher and Higher

I love when things come together exactly how you want them to...  I have far too many reasons to be happy right now, I honestly just don't even know what to do with myself.  This morning at breakfast, I just sat there fidgiting with a huge smile on my face.  Tom claimed I was just gonna vibrate until I exploded I was so happy, Nikhil said I raised the happiness of the entire table by about 300%... I can't help it, when I'm happy I want others to be happy too.

But anywho, current reasons for happiness?

Matt and Kim Tickets
This week I got tickets to go see Matt and Kim with two of my very lovely friends, Manda and Jamie. <3 I just. I love Matt and Kim so much.  Their concerts are one MASSIVE dance party, and it is physically impossible to be unhappy while listening to their music.  They have this fantastic charisma, an unceasing energy, they're honestly psyched to be playing a concert for a bunch of happy dancing people who came to hear their music.  They are living their dream and the love sharing it with everyone <3  Matt and Kim are fantastic individuals.

Chem Exam
Not exactly something you'd think would make the list of things making me happy... Ever really... I hate chem more than any of you could ever understand...  But this week, I joined the Death Cab for Cutie fanclub in an attempt to get presale tickets to a concert their playing, but didn't manage to get them.  In my mind, getting those tickets was going to be the karmic universe's way of making up for the grade I was going to be receiving in discussion when we got our chem exams back not even a half hour after the tickets went on presale.  Well, the universe works in mysterious ways... I did not get the presale tickets.  They were gone within 10 seconds of the sale being open.  Which honestly made me want to cry.  Its been three years since Death Cab's last concert ((my first concert ever)), and I was really excited to see them in this fantastically tiny venue.  Anywho, went to chem thinking everything was going to suck and this was the worst day ever meow meow wallow in sorrow, etc.  Got an 85 on the exam?  Kind of my best grade in that class this semester...

Herbarium
My adorable little old man advisor, Dr. Webster, has to be the biggest sweetheart ever.  He got me an independent study researching plants in the greenhouse with Dr. Anderson, and then just this week he emailed me about a job position opening up with UCONN's herbarium.  So I responded to the email, showed up to what turned out to be job training, and absolutely loved it.  What I get to do is work 10hrs/week taking dried plants that are about a hundred years old, carefully dip them in glue, and stick them to a fancy paper thing, so people can then use them for research later.  Its really cool because the plants are all stored in folds of newspaper, and you never know what kind of plant is there until you open it.  I love little suprises like that, and I LOVE glue...  Its for the entire month of April/until the grant runs out, and I get to hang out, listen to music, play with plants, and chat with other bio dorks.  Its a great time <3

Death Cab for Cutie Tickets
So after the whole presale fiasco, I was still determined to get those tickets... Death Cab is going to be playing a tiny venue ((850 people, The Paradise Rock Club in Boston)), and I reaaally want to see them with my little brother.  Seriously, he's a great kid, and Death Cab is an incredible band.  Chris was so excited, and I felt so bad letting him down on the presale.  So this morning, I called him up at 9, tickets go onsale at 10am, we both fire up our computers and sit there, blasting Death Cab, ticketmaster windows at the ready.  Chris was so excited, talking about how if we got tickets we'd need to "get right next to the stage, you and me screaming I LOVE YOU BEN! AHHHH!!!"  I couldn't let him down and miss seeing THAT.  So as the countdown to the tickets being on sale begins, I realize that the loading of my page refreshing is going slower, and slower.  The first time I had seen Death Cab, it was in a packed venue ((Agganis Arena)) that could hold about 7,500 people... something tells me they were all trying to get tickets again...  Hands shaking, I clicked two tickets, buy now, and typed in the dumb enter the letters above that tripped me up on the presale.  Chris complained about his shaky hands, then confirmed that he had managed to get two tickets.  I had secured two tickets for us as well.  With some celebratory freaking out, and offering 2 of the tickets to my cousin Billy, who didn't manage to get tickets, they were sold out by 10:02, I started potentially the best day ever <3

This venue is so tiny, Chris says, "Ben Gibbard could flip his hair out of his face and his sweat could hit us."

... Ew.

But awesome anyways <3

I honestly cannot stop smiling today.  Its a bit ridiculous, but I love this feeling.

Its the way I see everything I need, its no way to be.  Let this be a little secret, no one needs to know we're feeling higher and higher and higher, higher and higher and higher.  - Passion Pit

I don't think I will ever be able to figure people out.

My Personality DNA

Benevolent Director

Its a pretty cool website, check it out.

http://www.personaldna.com/

This is a short post, but people will never cease to amaze me

Laura just continues to surprise me with her honesty and kindness.  Today she sent me a poem at 12:30 am while I was briefly online as a homework break, because it reminded her of me.  Its not that I don't expect her to be sweet and kind, its just the open way she goes about it that surprises me.  She admitted to having curiousity issues, I'm thinking she might have them just about as badly as I do :) I think I'm gonna send her a link here.

Also, I read a really honest blog today that was incredibly touching, and I can't get it out of my mind.  Maybe it'll help me to be more sympathetic and understanding towards people... we'll see.

I dunno, not really the best at writing right now, kind of overwhelmed by homework and thoughts and things.

I don't know about my dreams.  I don't know about my dreamin anymore.  All I know is that I'm fallin', fallin', fallin'.  Might as well fall in.  I don't know about my love.  I don't know about my lovin' anymore.  All I know is that I'm lovin', lovin', lovin', might as well love you. - James Blake

Till Kingdom Come

It has been far too long since I've seen something simple and beautiful.  Something that is beautiful because of its honesty and simplicity.  Tonight around 12:30am I got the randomest IM ever... Laura says, "Jessieeee.  Do you like Brian Andreas?  I feel like you would and if you do, I'll be the happiest person ever."  Granted, I don't really talk to Laura all that often, but I know she's a sweet person.  I told her I have no idea who Brian Andreas was, and she sent me a link.  I asked why she asked me, and she said "I dunno, they just made me think of you, they're very colorful and honest..."  Not sure how she meant that to be taken, but honestly, I'm going to take it as the best compliment I've heard in a long time.  Imagine someone telling you you're colorful and honest.  Its a good feeling.

So, at a lack for anything better to do, I started looking through his artwork.  What I found was incredible, and beautiful.  Here are a couple examples.
http://sliceofpink.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/spp0022_1.jpg
http://blog.freepeople.com/BrianAndreas.jpg
http://www.storypeople.com/productImage/SPP0646.jpg

I think I'm going to have to buy one of his books.  I don't even know how to describe what I'm feeling right now.  Definitely just found an eyelash and upon reading that first picture changed my wish from something entirely selfish to something much better...  I feel almost like... refinding myself after losing myself for some time...

I dunno, I feel that simple things like this can change the world.

Steal my heart, and hold my tongue.  I feel my time, my time has come.  Let me in, unlock the door.  I never felt this way before.  I don't know which way I'm going, I don't know what I've become. For you I'd wait till kingdom come, until my day, my day is done.  And say you'll come and set me free.  Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me. - Coldplay