Disconnect

Lately I've been kind of disconnected from people... Like I'm reading them wrong, or somewhere in my head I'm twisting things around so that I honestly just want to chill by myself.  Which is really dumb timing for a feeling like this seeing as in less than a week from today I'm going to be home and not around my college friends anymore... But I just dont know... I feel the need for some time by myself...  I realized this when I was sitting on Horsebarn Hill with the grass a rippling sea around me and the wind a strong gust stolen from some ocean...

I dunno... I tend to lose myself when I'm away from ocean for too long.  The second I hit the beach its like that moment where your soul reconnects with your body.  I could sit on that rock in the wind and stare at the crashing waves for my entire life and never get bored.  It just feels right.  Like the ocean is hiding some huge breathing beast that causes the waves to rise and fall.  Its like how the desert is magical because somewhere in its vast distances it hides a well.  The ocean is magical because somewhere in its depths it hides what causes the ebb and flow of the tides.

Wind gives me some sort of bizarre mental clarity that allows me to see the things surrounding me.  It also seems to cause me to question just about everything, but with a calmness so that all the questioning and perspective checking isn't overwhelming.

Tired thoughts make no sense... probably a sign I should go to bed.  But the Fleet Foxes are sounding so gorgeous coming out of my headphones...

If I know only one thing, its that everything that I see of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak.  Yeah, I'm tongue tied and dizzy, and I can't keep it to myself.  What good is it to sing helplessness blues? Why should I wait for anyone else? - Fleet Foxes

Sorry my blog's been so spazzy lately...

I just really wanna go do things... And I definitely think I had posted something about ending up making a shit ton of lists in my first post... Soooooooooo........ >___>

- Swim with whale sharks <3

ALSO I JUST FOUND THE ADD IMAGE BUTTON. TOTALLY GOING BACK AND EDITING THAT LAST POST WHERE I JUST LINKED EVERYTHING OMG.

-Edit: Except I don't have the license to use any of these pictures... so does that make it ok?

- see the baobabs
-see the redwoods
- go canopy ziplining

Blame it on the Girls

So I was sitting there in the bar, and this guy comes up to me and he said, "My life stinks." And I saw his gold credit card, and I saw the way that he was looking at people across the room, and I looked at his face, and you know what, he had a good looking face, and I just said, "Dude, your perspective on life sucks." - Mika

I feel as though everyone needs to take these words of wisdom and realize that if you chill out and look at it, I'm sure you can find plenty of things in this world that you have to be happy for.  Sometimes everyone loses sight of the bigger, happier picture, in which the little struggles you're going through right now probably won't matter in the long run, because life is just a string linking together all the good things that happen in your lifetime so you can carry them with you always.

And life could be simple, but you never fail to complicate it every single time.  - Mika

- go on an archeological dig

- learn how to do isolations/popnlock
- see the monarch butterflies migrate to mexico

More things for the to do list

- See the saguaros blosson
- see the bats migrage through where the saguaros are
- visit the grand canyon

Going Crazy

Stircrazy that is... I'm getting to the point where I can't handle being stuck in one spot anymore, and being on campus without a car is kind of THE most frustrating thing ever right now...  Tom downloaded all of the Planet Earth series onto his laptop and we've been watching them.  So far we've watched Shallow Seas, Mountains, and Fresh Water... except in the reverse order of how I listed them.  Also over the weekend I kind of got used to staying up till 4am sooooo I'm wide awake right now, even though I have a class at 11am tomorrow.  We'll see how that goes.

But anywho, this whole watching BBC and Discovery Channel's Planet Earth series has made me absolutely stir crazy and I NEED to go see EVERYTHING.  I just have this rabid curiousity and there are so many fascinating things out there.  In the Fresh Water episode they showed me salamanders that are two meters long.  That's 6 feet 6 inches.  They are as big as my friend John...  I could like... swim with a salamander that big.  And whales.  Omg.  There were whales in the shallow seas episode and they were gorgeous and so clumsy but graceful at the same time and I would love to swim with whales.

But so yea, this whole thing has me thinking its time to make a to do list because this is what I do when I'm going stir crazy and I know there are a ton of places I want to go and things I need to see and experience.  So here goes.

Travel Related Things To Do:
- get scuba certified
- scuba dive at reefs
- swim with sea turtles
- swim with whales
- swim with John sized salamanders
- visit the Galapagos  ((also this))
- visit Bora Bora
- live in a treehouse
- learn to sail a boat
- live on a boat
- buy an rv (eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! >.< ITS TOO DAMN CUTE.))
- live in an rv for a year, never staying at a place longer than necessary
- see the west coast
- visit Big Sur
- visit The Bixby Canyon Bridge (also on the Big Sur coastline) (I descended a dusty gravel ridge, beneath the Bixby Canyon Bridge, until I eventually arrived at the place where your soul had died.  And barefoot in the shallow creek, I grabbed some stones from underneath, and waited for you to speak to me. - Death Cab For Cutie)
- see Angel Falls
- replant mangroves
- canoe through a cypress forest
- see the Everglades
- see Baobab Trees
- visit Hawaii
- visit Australia
- see the northern lights
- go to alaska
- see neverending cornfields
- go on a road trip
- stargaze on a mesa
- see the sunset/sunrise/stars from the top of a mountain
- hike mountains in Argentina/Chile/South America
- go on a safari
- go deep sea fishing

Music Related Things To Do:
- See Death Cab for Cutie again
- See Matt and Kim again
- See Vampire Weekend in concert
- See Passion Pit in concert
- See Coldplay in concert (sidenote: free download of some of their songs as a gift from the musicians to their fans)
- See Jack Johnson in concert
- See Jonsi again

Other:
- read LOTR
- read Good Omens
- get a bachelors degree in biology
- figure out what the hell I want to do with my life


I'm sure these lists will only grow with time... Or the next episode of Planet Earth we watch... we'll see xD

Its been such a long time, I think I should be going.  And time doesn't wait for me, it keeps on rolling.  Sail on, on a distant highway, yea.  I've got to keep on chasing that dream, I've gotta be on my way, wish there was something I could say. - Boston

The Ballad of Love and Hate

This song just makes me want to cry its so sweet.

CAFFEEEEINENENENEINEINEINE.

Let's see if I can write a meaningful blog post in the two minutes before dinner... I've been posting a lot lately, and I'm still not sure how I feel about any of it.  Also I'm super caffeinated right now so my fingers are like LIGHTNING.

Anywho...

Is it so wrong to want everyone to just be able to get along?  I don't understand why people can't just all put whatever differences they have aside and chill.  I almost wish I lived with a bunch of hippies sometimes.  They seem as though they managed to get it right for a bit... other than the apathetic bit of it... or the drug bit...  Is it really that difficult for people to understand that we're all just people and we're all trying to make sense of this bizarre world we've been thrown into, we're all trying to find out why on earth we've been put here?

Is it that hard to just care for one another?

I believe that my life's gonna see the love I give return to me.  - John Mayer

Altruism

Feel free to skip this blog post, I'm pretty sure it accomplished nothing anywhere in my head or for anyone... My brain's kind of jumbled right now...

I think I'm having priority/perspective issues right now.  Pretty much ridiculously.  This morning I woke up after not getting quite enough sleep and could hear birds chirping outside my window, which immediately coupled with the warm weather put me in summer mode.  Went to calc where my teacher was ecstatic because the average was a 77... after he took the 11 lowest grades out of the mix... not sure how that works but ok, I've yet to get my grade.  Psych class was weird.  Its a bizarre cloudy day where it looks like the sky is thinking about raining but hasn't made up its mind yet.  Other stuff, and psych discussion and here I am.

Either way, today's been weird.  School work seems so damn unimportant when I compare it to other things and it frustrates me.  I just want to get past all these requirements and get to the point where I am learning things that will actually allow me to do something with my life, maybe something that could help people or the world.  I think I need to figure out what I want to do with my life.

Today in psychology discussion we talked about altruism and egoism and whether there truly are selfless acts.  We talked about a bunch of different things in this world that need anyone's help, and how the United States is donating money to a bunch of areas hit by natural disasters before anyone's fixed everything in Louisiana or the homelessness and poverty in the US.

I don't understand why anything has to be all about us.  ((Or US depending on how you look at it...))  There is just far too much that is wrong with the world, and I can gather that without even watching the news.  And I honestly wish there was a way I could fix it all.  But I'm only one person.  We talked about how big celebrities with so much money barely donate any of it to anything.  And all I could really think about is how Jack Johnson has been putting all of his music/concert profits to his Ohana (sp?) charity.  He's content to do what he loves and give the rest away.  Why can't more people be like that?  I feel like that would make the world a better place.  I want to live like that.  Doing just enough to survive and giving the rest away.  I don't know how to though.  I donated blood yesterday.  At this point I've gone so many times I've lost track...  I remember the 7th time I went, and then just not caring how many more after that because 6 or 7 was the 1 year mark.  Now I'm just pro.  I've also switched to using http://www.goodsearch.com/ because god knows google does not need whatever money they gain through me using their search engine.  This way every time I search a penny goes to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation.

That's another messed up thing.  Celebrities with so much money that they use for who even knows what could personally fund an entire research team to find a cure for some devastating disease.  Yet most of them don't unless it affects themselves or is connected to them in some way.  I don't understand why people who have so much will do so little.

It also baffles me why people spend the time going to get a manicure or pedicure for $50, when that money could go towards something good or useful... I don't know, I'm sure I waste money like that too on other things...

Why does everything have to be run by money?

Either way... if everyone did a little bit, things could be fixed so easily.  Yet everyone seems to lose sight of big issues due to the issues they are dealing with the time.  And I'm no exception to this, I definitely have lost sight of important things...

I think its time to do a little reprioritizing...

And I want to know my fate.  If I keep up this way.  And its hard to want to stay awake when everyone you meet, they all seem to be asleep.  And you wonder if you're missing your dream.  You can't see your dream.  - Death Cab for Cutie

Safety Nets

I feel like every act of trust is a single invisible threat connecting one person to another.  The more acts of trust between two people, the more threads are added, until there is a strong rope connecting them.  The more threads are added the greater the distance the rope can span, a few threads can simply snap when stretched over great distances.  Acts of betrayal will very easily cut through the weak threads, but it would take a chainsaw to cut the rope developed between some people.  The more connections a person makes, the more threads are there to hold a person up if something goes wrong, all those threads are there like a safety net to catch them when they fall.

I'd like to just take a moment to say how very thankful I am for my friends, because I know no matter what they have my back, and I have theirs, and I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world.

Little drops of rain, whisper of the pain, tears of loves lost in the days gone by.  My love is strong, with you there is no wrong, together we shall go until we die. - Led Zeppelin

I love Elizabeth.

Here's why. This is what happens when we're both up freaking out about housing...

    elizabeth, "there are only two rooms in mcmahon for GIRLS, but we could strap on penises for a year and live in mcmahon"
    "ohhhhh i dont want to live for a year with a penis thouuuugh"

 Manda Bush 1:13 am    ................XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
    WTF YOU GUYS

 Jessie Scott 1:14 am
    MANDA
    WE'RE FREAKING OUT

 Jessie Scott 1:14 am
    elizabeth, "sheeee's just jealous she can't live with a penis for a year!"


    elizabeth just murmured a string of statements that ended with her whispering intensely, "we shall triumph.... we. shall. triumph."

 Manda Bush 1:23 am
    I officially fear for your health and sanity

 Jessie Scott 1:23 am
    "the ras were granted mystical room knowledge with the sacred room knowledge not granted to us and we shall rise through the ranks to the mystical room knowledge and we shall triumph. we shall triumph."
    hahaha
    elizabeth, "me or you? 'cause you have to live with me"

    "maybe manda can can come up here and live with us. and we can all live gloriously mad together. because we're mad here. AND WE SHALL TRIUMPH."
    "there's a much greater difference between a fist and a finger... AND MY COMPUTER JUST DIED. I MADE IT GO IN CIRCLES AROUND THE WEST ROOM TOO MANY TIMES. AND IT IS NOT A CIRCULAR COMPUTER. AND WE SHALL TRIUMPH"

    elizabeth, "AND WE SHALL TRIUMPH BECAUSE OF IT"

    "Jessie tomororw i'm going to bring my cardboard sword with us to pick housing AND WE SHALL TRIUMPH."

    "she almost got murdered? what? did you tell her we can live inside troy though? LIKE INSIDE TROY? OMG i should tell john we can live inside troy. but my facebook died though. LIVE LAPTOP LIVE. although i suppose that makes sense though because trojans are usually viruses, or condoms, and they dont usually like those, because they can't wear them, and trojan viruses will kill them.  I have to say though, its really fun to try and balance my laptop between my collarbone and my chin, but i feel like it'll break my nose... I GOT IT, no i dont, its really hard to talk... or breathe..."

  Manda:  Elizabeths gonna burn herself

 Jessie Scott 1:30 am
    what?
    "i cannot burn myself on that which is already cold and gone from this worlllld"

    "but jessie, and WE SHALL TRIUMPH" -sketchy wink noise-
    "but it was brilliant, and beautiful. LIKE EINSTIEN, only sexy. although instead of sexy i should say sexier, that was a pretty great moustache."

    "jessie, the internet is nothing more than a filthy tease. it tantalizes you and then robs you when you need it the most"    "i think i figured it out jessie, the internet is just a slut, but a slut with a bad sense of humor."

    "really, you're just almost there, and then she just closes her legs, and wont let you have what you want. THE INTERNET IS A FILTHY SLUT. DO NOT SUBMIT JESSIE DO NOT. beeee strong young onnnne be stronnng"
    "oh hey 1:30 in the morning"
    "but 1:30 in the morning is a dastardly devil, he should know better than to come around like that..."
    elizabeth, go to sleep    "but jessie! i'm really funny!"
    "and i'm phlegmy too!"
    "phlembotomy... phlematic... phlemmmmmsterrrrrrrr"

-insert ent noises here-
    "this would be so much better if i werent laughing, its ruining my ent noises! that and my horizontal state, it would be so much better if i were standing and stomping"
     "and the best news is i can release the wisdom of ages and no one will know because i'm speaking ent"    elizabeth, "DUDE WEBCOMIC. BEST THING EVER. AND YOU COULD TOTALLY MAKE THE INSTANT DAILY TOMORROW TOO."
    "today, i was thinking about pimp my ride, for little kids thuogh, iin like the rugrats, we could do pimp my sliiiiide"
    "maybe i should just communicate like that from now on, in the language of my people... are they my people if they're not people? i think my kin works better. yessssssss my tree kinnnnn"

    "that all made sense though, that all fit together, i feel like its a logical train of thought. my keys reminded me of it actually."
    "ohhhhhhhhhhhh jessie maybe i'm dehydrated"

and i think she might be asleep now...

Sometimes people drive me crazy.

Please don't hate me for what I post on this subject...... I understand that it touches on religion and stem cell research, a topic SURROUNDED in controversy, but I just thought I would voice my opinion on the matter seeing as my genetics homework required me to read about it.  If you don't want to deal with any of the above, feel free to skip this post entirely.

Alright world, and please keep in mind that I'm asking you this because I can't seem to understand the insanity I just read about, but seriously, what is so wrong about using embryos for stem cell research?

Lemme back up a bit because that sounds bad, embryos for research...

When couples look into in vitro fertilization, the company performing the procedure surgically removes a certain number of eggs from the woman and then creates around 5 viable embryos from these eggs.  Usually three of these embryos are implanted, to hopefully allow to woman to bear children.  Two of the viable embryos are then frozen and held onto by the company in the hopes that if the first three embryos fail, they will have backup embryos, so the woman won't have to undergo more surgery to remove more eggs to try again.  However, if the woman is successful in having children, the two remaining embryos are kept in suspension in a freezer in some company's storage facility until their scheduled destruction.

The majority of religions frown upon the entire process of in vitro fertilization, and believe that children should come from conjugal love, and should not be separated from this love.  Most religions also believe that at fertilization, the embryo is considered a human being with a soul that deserves to be brought into this world.  Some religions see the point where the cell implants in the uterus as the point where the embryo is considered to be a human being.

Regardless of what anyone believes, it is physically impossible for all the embryos stored in IVF clinics to be born as children.  There are simply far too many.  Therefore, they are scheduled for destruction.  What is so wrong about using a tiny ball of cells that has already been created for research?  These cells are not going to be used to create humans, and they can cure so many horrible diseases like Parkinson's disease, or childhood diabetes...  I mean, I do believe it is wrong to create embryos only for the sake of destroying them through research, but the fact is, these embryos already exist, they are scheduled to be destroyed, and most mothers after managing to have children via IVF choose to donate the remaining embryos to research.

The author of my genetics text The Strongest Boy in the World posed an interesting point.  Philip R. Reilly stated,

"I wonder how those who believe that an unimplanted human embryo suspended in a tiny vial in a low-temperature refrigerator is morally equivalent to a child suffering from severe diabetes reach that position.  Imagine yourself in a building that is on fire and will soon be engulfed in flames.  In the room to your left is a wheelchair bound woman.  In the room to your right is a refrigerator that holds a tray of 100 frozen human embryos.  What should you do?  None of those to whom I have posed this dilemma, including many with strong fundamentalist views and deeply held pro-life stances, have said they would save the frozen embryos.

Why is the decision so straightforward?  On the psychological or emotional level, humans identify much more closely with a fellow person than they do with a potential person or persons.  The person at risk in the fire looks like you and has had a set of life experiences roughly like yours.  The unformed cell masses in the vials have not.  On the philosophical level, the disabled woman is an actual entity, unquestionably a member of the human family, almost certainly capable of crying out for help, and undoubtably capable of experiencing the agony of death by fire.  She is fully human.  The embryos in the vial are not sentient.  They have no awareness, no capacity for pain, no connection to a family that will grieve over them.  They are not persons."

Is it wrong to think that because these are just little masses of cells it is ok to do research on them?  Its certainly wrong to just destroy these cell masses when they can be used for so much good.  I think that if the embryos already exist, and are going to be wasted anyways, why not use them for research that could save so many lives?  I think the line should be drawn at creating embryos purely for the sake of research.

Maybe its just my inner science dork that's saying this... But the cells are not a sentient being.  They have no sense of pain, no sense of their destruction, no sense of the morality of their use, no sense of the fact that they could be used to save lives...  They are not a baby, they are simply a mass of cells.  Masses of cells like this get naturally aborted on a daily basis when they hit a point where something goes wrong with their division, and the majority of the time, the woman doesn't even know the embryo existed in the first place.

Then again, we are all just masses of cells... Plus something extra that no one knows how to categorize.

I don't know...  Its probably just the scientific part of me that says that since they are not sentient and they will be wasted that someone should do research on them for the betterment of humanity.

Either way, while everyone is spending all their time arguing, embryos like these are being destroyed... Someone needs to make a decision and either have all of these embryos born to be children or use them for research.  This wastefulness is absolutely mind boggling.

Sometimes people drive me crazy.

Web charity sites

I wonder if a couple inspired websites can change the world...  Are those websites that claim they raise money through refreshing the ad everytime you do something actually legitimately donating to the charities they claim they are?  I certainly hope so... Every little bit counts.

here are a few good ones...

http://www.goodsearch.com/  I've completely switched from using google to using goodsearch, run by yahoo.  You pick a charity you want to earn money, and every time you search, a penny goes to that charity.   If you search a ton like I do, it'll hopefully add up quickly.  I goodsearch for The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation.  Who would you goodsearch for?

http://www.freerice.com/  Fun trivia game, you can watch as the grains of rice you've won stack up.  Its a flash card like trivia game, with different categories, and in this new version, a way to track how much rice you've donated.  For every question you answer right, 10 grains of rice are donated to help end world hunger.

http://www.freepoverty.com/ this one I found today while trying to figure out the legitimacy of websites like freerice.  In this game, you have to try and pinpoint the location they give you, and the closer you are the more water gets donated to impoverished regions around the world.  Each guess is worth 10 cups of water, the closer you are, the more will be donated.

Are these websites scams?  I really hope not, because I'm going to continue to use them in the hopes that they aren't.

If I could change the world, I would be the sunlight in your universe.  You would think my love was really something good, baby if I could, change the world. - Eric Clapton

Bitch Switch

Ok. So let's see.  Have you ever had something happen that just flips a switch in your brain and you enter bitch mode?  A pet peeve that knows how to outdo all other pet peeves and you get a bit psychotic?  Don't lie to yourself, its a bitch switch, and we all have them.

Why am I bringing up bitch switches at 1:08 am this fine evening?  Because I feel kind of bad... Last Saturday I went home to see my cousin's play, and I kind of pulled a total bitch moment on my poor mom who was just happy to have me home.  Here's how the story goes:  I went home for Saturday, and Saturday only.  So I didn't sleep the night before ((not the best plan ever...)), dad picked me up from college at 9am, I got home around 12:30pm.  I battled online chemistry homework ((which is probably what I should be doing right now)) foooor around 3+ hours in my sleep deprived state, which was really aggravating.  I finally quit on chemistry, and went to take a nap at around 5pm.  Jen and Brent were coming over at 6:30 to join me to go see Em's play.  I planned to nap from 5 - 6, then go pick up flowers for Em, and head out.  Lo and behold, consistently, every time I was about to fall asleep, something woke me up.  Without fail.  So I pretty much wasted an hour trying to nap.  I then woke up to find the car was gone, because dad had taken it to run an errand that was taking him hours... that he only thought would take him 20 minutes... which tends to be how the majority of dad's errands go.  I pretty much went downstairs at that point and flipped out.  Because my three major pet peeves are: not sleeping, things not going how I want them to, and running out of time for everything I want to do.  So tadaaa all three in a row.  My poor mom had to deal with me flipping out while I waited for dad to come home.  Brent and Jen caught the tail end of my freakout.  But guess what?  It all turned out fine in the end.  We made it to the play on time, and I got the flowers, so no big deal.

So why did I feel the need to flip out?  No one around me deserved to have to deal with that.  I ended up having a perfectly lovely night.  The play was great, I got Em flowers, I love spending time with Brent and Jen and Manda.  So what was the big deal?

I think from now on I'm going to try and watch out for those moments when I can feel a bitch switch coming on.  Because I would hate for people to see me as a bitchy person, because honestly, I'm not.  I just tend to freak when things don't go how I want them to.  I'm generally a chill person otherwise.  And you'd be surprised how many people you can hurt in one moment where you lose sight of who you are and what's actually important to yourself.  In other news, I almost just pulled a major bitch out but I'm deciding not to because in 5 years time, is this one moment really going to matter as much as I'm making it out to matter in my head right now?  Chances are, probably not.  So I'm gonna let this one slide, listen to some good music, and write a better post than this one.

So readership that apparently exists, (whether I realize it or not), what are your pet peeves and what are you going to do to fix them?

I get tired, and upset, and I'm trying to care a little less. - Eliza Doolittle

What is essential is invisible to the eye.

I believe that every single person has a redeeming quality to them.  No matter how horrible of a person you may think they are, I bet if you were to get them in the right environment where they are actually comfortable enough to be themselves, or to let the good in them shine through, then you will find yourself very pleasantly surprised.  I believe that you absolutely can NOT write someone off as a waste of space or as someone who shouldn't have been born, or even worse, as someone who deserves to die.  Who are we to make these decisions?  I feel like you cannot accurately judge someone's character until you know absolutely everything about them.  Every single facet of their character, of what makes them who they are, every bit of their being.  And that is quite frankly downright impossible.  Therefore absolutely no one can determine that someone else is a waste of space.  The universe put us here for some reason, and we will probably never know what that reason is, so who are we to say that someone else doesn't belong here if we don't even know why we're here.  I refuse to write someone off as a waste of space, because for all I know I could be a worse waste of space than they are, and who am I to judge this?

And as far as the whole letting the good of someone shine through, I have had perfectly lovely conversations with people who everyone deems a "waste of space."  Most people are only jerks to show off to the jerky people around them.  Its a context thing.  Given the right context any person could be anything.  3rd grade, I'm never going to forget this.  Kid who everyone wrote off as the biggest jerk ever, he lives on a farm his family owns.  He brought in an entire box of baby chickens, itty bitty  little fluffball chicks.  He had us all sit in a circle on the floor, and he let all the chicks out of the box into the middle of the circle.  I was staring at a little brown fuzzball, and its one thing to look at a fluffy baby chicken, and another thing entirely to hold a little fuzzball.  He scooped the chick up and plopped it into my hands with a huge smile on his face.  I have heard neverending stories of how much of a jerk that guy is, all the awful things he might've done to people, but I know that regardless, he's not a bad person.  Sometimes people do bad things because something is wrong in their lives at the moment, because of a history they've had, because of the people they're around.  It doesn't make them bad people.  It just means they haven't had the opportunity to be a good person.

So I'm going to end this post with a little reminder to not judge people too harshly, because how would you feel if they judged you the same way?  How would you feel if someone wrote YOU off as a complete waste of space?  Kind of a sucky feeling, isn't it?

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly.  What is essential is invisible to the eye. - Antoine de Saint - Exupery

Love,
Jessie

I wanna live, I wanna give, I've been a miner for a heart of gold.  Its these expressions I never give, that keep me searching for a heart of gold.  I've been to Hollywood, I've been to redwood, I'd cross the ocean for a heart of gold.  I've been in my mind, its such a fine line, that keeps me searching for a heart of gold.  - Neil Young

Sometimes I wonder if I post about petty things...

Judgements

Why is it I'm so afraid to share this with people?  Probably because I think they're going to judge me... Actually I'm almost positive that's why.  But if they're people who already know me, do I really post anything that different from the way I act or speak?  There's just something terrifying about putting your thoughts out there...

Speaking of judging...

Is it weird that when I think of myself I don't think of how I am physically?  I see myself as a random collection of events and their outcomes, the relationships I've formed, the things that interest me, the choices I have made.  Sometimes I forget what my face looks like... I rarely look at the entirety of my face at any one time... Its usually just a quick check in the mirror... did I manage to get my part straight when I brushed my hair this morning?  Is there anything in my teeth?  Is my outfit alright?  I very rarely look at myself in entirety...  Its not that I think there's anything wrong with me, I'm just never really worried about physical appearance... well, I am and I'm not.  I'm worried about anything that's glaringly wrong, like checking my outfit to make sure I didn't forget anything major like pants, or making sure that my teeth are actually clean,  I never actually look in a mirror to appraise how attractive I am or am not  (but I know I have my moments where I DO care, they're few and far between i.e. bathingsuit shopping).  And I feel that life is better that way.  Yes, I'm worried about how people judge me, but no, I'm not going to throw a fit over it.  Sometimes I freak out a little over appearances, but in the end they matter so much less than anything else.  So long as you look the best you can on any given day, (and i dont mean you CAN go to the gym every day for an hour, so you CAN become a buff muscle person...), its really shouldn't matter that your face is breaking out or your allergies are making your eyes all red, or you put on a little weight, whatever random thing is affecting how you feel about your appearance on any one day.  Sometimes shit happens and there's nothing you can do about it but ignore it and move past it.

Just let yourself shine through your every action, and if you aren't an absolutely terrible person, you can't go wrong <3

Apparently I ramble when I'm tired... sorry guys xD

When my mirror speaks it never minces words, 'cause these eyes don't shine half as bright as they used to do and they haven't for quite awhile.  'Cause I'm a man who hides from all that binds and a mess of fading lines, and there's a tangled thread inside my head, with nothing on either end. - Death Cab for Cutie